I could say I'm satisfied with my time - there were MANY hills. The wind was 20 mph with 35 mph gusts. It was 45 degrees (okay that part was great!). But I'm not satisfied. I know in my heart that I gave up on myself. I didn't leave it all out there. I wussed out. I had a chance to hang with the boys and get it done, to meet my goal or even exceed it, but I didn't ... I quit. At one point I not only quit the race, I quit running - as in I started walking, but beyond that I QUIT. I was ready to throw in the towel, call it a day, call it a "career", call it whatever you will. Then the math beat me too, because when I decided I was ready to put my big girl pants back on and start running again, I decided I had already lost, there was no hope of meeting my time goal today, I would just shuffle along and give in.. or give up... whatever. I know it was a tough course and I know conditions weren't ideal, but when are they ever? I KNOW in my heart of hearts, my mind is what defeated me today, not the weather, not the hills, not even my legs... MY MIND. So where do I go from here?
Do I allow these excuses to get me down? Do I allow myself to wallow? Maybe a little. I'm giving myself today dear friends, to wallow in my defeat. Tomorrow, I will look for inspiration again and hope that it will come. I don't really WANT to quit. I'm NOT a quitter. But I need to dig deep and find some inspiration somewhere along the trail in a hurry. Having time goals really SUCKS. I was happy just crossing the finish line last year, happy to feel good at the end of a race, still on my feet, having accomplished that task. Having bigger goals means having bigger defeats, taking bigger risks, putting yourself out there.
Pretty soon people are going to ask who the crazy lady is who talks to herself all the time - "pull yourself up", "get moving", "You can do this", '"HTFU!"