Friday, November 14, 2008

Radical Steps

I admit. I'm obsessed. And I've finally decided to go to the experts for help. I need it! You see, I want flat abs. I look at my stomach every day - first thing in the morning when I get up and last thing before I go to bed. Am I skinny this morning? Is it flat? Ridiculous? Yes, a bit. But I'm 40 now and it's not getting any easier. It gets harder and harder to maintain weight, let alone lose it. I know my problem isn't my exercise routine. It's not like I sit on the couch all day. I workout 6 days a week. I know it's the way I eat. I know it's in my head, getting my head wrapped around food as fuel not friend.

Now I recognize that I'm not fat by definition. I have muscle. I am within a healthy weight range for my height - barely. But I'd like to be lower within that range. I want those flat abs :) So I took radical steps. I joined weight watchers this week. I thought what the heck. These people have helped LOTS of people lose real weight, change their lifestyle, get on track. Surely they can help me figure it out, get back on track, learn to focus on things other than food.

I signed up and chose the flex plan. This seemed like a good option. You count points, but you can eat anything you want. I've written down my food intake in the past for various nutritionists, the coach, my own piece of mind. I like to record things so this shouldn't be a problem. On Monday, my first day, I ate DOUBLE the amount of allotted points. And that was just a normal day for me, nothing too radical, nothing too out of the ordinary from what or how I normally eat. Hmmm... I might have found the problem right off. By Thursday, I had exceeded my WEEKLY extra points allowance. This takes into consideration the workouts I've done for the week. You see, these get allotted points as well.

Normally, I'd crawl into a hole about now and give up. Sit down with a bunch of chocolate and a bottle of wine. I decided to take a different approach. This is, after all, not a diet. It is a lifestyle change. I decided to carry on. To at least stick it out through these three months. Try not to gain any weight over the upcoming holidays. Try to stick to points - or at least get closer to the daily allotment and see what happens. Adjust my thinking. So that's where I am.

I'm afraid. Afraid of failing. Afraid of getting fat. Afraid of having to change my lifestyle. Afraid that if I don't I will be unhealthy. And there must be some part of me who is afraid of success as well because in the past every time I've gotten on a roll, lost 5 or 7 pounds, I've rewarded myself with food. Dug into a bag of potato chips or a batch of brownies. I have to slowly make these changes, slowly change the course I'm on. Slow is hard for me. Slow means baby steps, not seeing immediate results. But if I don't do this right, I'm afraid I'll have to continue to buy bigger jeans. And that, is NOT acceptable!

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