Tired

I'm tired today. Tired of the roller coaster I've set myself up on. The constant ups and downs between "the drug" and the defensive posture. I'm tired of shoveling. I'm tired just because.... I took a long walk in the snow this morning (5 degrees and windy!) Went for a swim, did some power yoga, shoveled some nasty drifted snow (into the wind!), went for another walk.... is it any wonder I can't lift my frigging arms?!?!

And you know what? I want someplace to wear my cool boots. Could have worn them yesterday if I'd known what the evening had in store, but no, I was once again unprepared and went out like a slob. I did, however, get some much needed ego boosting at the bar. Who doesn't like to hear someone call them beautiful? And have a nice intelligent conversation with an interesting man? Even if he's not "the one" it's still fun. Not everything has to be so intense or "going someplace". Sometimes, it's nice to just relax. Have a good time. Hmmmm... perhaps I should listen to myself, eh? hahahaha

Kickboxing

This isn't some namby pamby 80's aerobics class. This is in your face, better have gloves on, hitting and kicking mitts and bags, BIG bags... BIG guys holding mitts. This is kick your butt, kick someone else's butt, feel good about yourself, get your aggressions out.... kickboxing. And it was just what I needed today. I needed to hit something really hard. I needed a huge guy holding a mitt to say man, you hit hard, I need to switch arms. I needed an expert boxer to say, wow! great kick, great hitting, you actually pushed me back. I needed all that after two days of dealing with idiots going over the same stupid things at work, two days of setting my expectations higher than reality and being let down because of it, two days of realtors calling about stupid questions that shouldn't even have to be asked. So thank you to kickboxing! I can't move my frigging arms, but it was worth it! And tomorrow I'm getting up early to go to bootcamp! SO there!

Home

As in, I can't wait ... it's been nice to visit with family and relax a bit, eat too much, not exercise, but I want to go home now. I want to move, get some exercise, eat something that doesn't have chocolate or sugar or butter in it. I need vegetables and workout schedules, swim routines and weight lifting, yes, even running. So here's hoping that by tomorrow the roads will be clear, the ice will have melted, the slush will be gone, the wind will have died down and I can go home - workout, take a shower with actual water pressure, and oh yea, go on a date! :) Here's hoping!

In the spirit of trying new things....

I've been inspired once again. Inspired to get my act together, get in shape, go out, get out of the house, MOVE, try new things. So today, I tried something new. Running in snow shoes. One of my friends talked about this the other day and I thought, holy cow, you're a stud! Snow shoe running? Seriously, that's got to be the hardest thing ever! Then because some were available, I was bored, I needed to work off some of those peanut butter balls and cinnamon rolls... I decided to try it myself. Strapped on some brand new snow shoes and trudged up the hill in the deep snow for the warm up (almost fell in the creek - whoops!) The dog stepped on the shoes more than once and down I went - laughing in a pile of snow, covered with dog! Then for good measure I thought well, I've got these things on, let's just try the running. Boy! Tell you what, if you want to raise your heart rate, strap on some snow shoes and start a jog down the driveway. Crap! I was right, that was HARD! I want to do it again!!!

So here's to new friends and trying new things, mixing it up, having fun, and just enjoying life. Merry Christmas

inspiration comes from unexpected places

Back at the pool. I had a wonderful swim today. Followed the workout to the letter... wanted to quit a couple of times, but I was determined to do at least one of my workouts this week. And I did it, suffered a little a couple of times, the thought of Marit in the pool and her monster sets in Masters. I thought if she can tough it out through that, I could certainly get through a few good form hundreds and other simple things. So thanks, Marit, for the inspiration.

Sleep

It's all about sleep. These days I'm only doing about half of what's on my workout schedule. On the positive side, work is a bit slow with all the vacations that everyone generally takes over the holidays so I'm able to catch up on my sleep. This, I've decided, is what I really need. I'm trying one thing at a time and sleep is first, then I think maybe I'll get better at the food stuff again - you know, after the holidays.... and play around with some strength training and such. Hoping around the time the snow melts I'll be excited about running again and ready to train for another marathon :)

Yesterday I quit

It's true. Yesterday I wrote the coach a nice long email and told her I quit. She admonished me later for using that term and she's right. It's really more about re-prioritizing my life, searching for balance.... and to be honest it's not like I'm going to be sitting on the coach getting fat. It's just that I'm not specifically training for anything. I am no longer "being coached" to improve my times, my form.... I no longer have marathon goals. At least not right now.

Right now I'm focusing on sleep, trying not to stress out at work, and maybe, just maybe finding a social life for the first time in YEARS. Still working on that last one. But work has been so stressful for the last 6 months - do I have a job? Will I have a job tomorrow? Blah, blah, blah... and it promises to continue to be stressful, but in a slightly less negative way. There's the promise of something new to do, something perhaps more interesting, a new person to work for, a new team to work with... a promise of something better on the horizon. So I'm re-prioritizing because, frankly, I need a break.

I'm no longer exciting about running - ever. I'm no longer excited about getting faster or going longer. The mere thought of running more than an hour makes me cringe. So I decided to stop fighting that feeling, pushing myself toward something that is no longer a dream of mine. I decided to do something different. What? I don't know, but it will involve strength training, maybe kickboxing, maybe yoga, maybe swimming. It will surely involve some running at some point because I know I won't ever get away from that, but I want the running to be something I look forward to again, not something I dread.

And in other much more entertaining news - at least in my opinion....
I bet not many of you know how long it takes to purge your body of an ENTIRE BOX of metamucil cookies. This week my dog decided to take it upon himself to conduct a little experiment. He at an entire box of these delicious little treats. While results may vary as this was a very small experiment, his results showed it takes about 3 full days and 10-12 poops to rid yourself of the whole box of cookies and remants of foil. How do I know? Well, the evidence is in the poop. You see, apparently after eating 5 packages or so of cookies, you get this uncontrollable urge to eat the rest in a hurry.... such a hurry that you can no longer be bothered with unwrapping them. So the poop comes out foil lined, foil wrapped, shiny. So there you have it - 3 days. There's a reason you should take these things in small doses. There's regular and then there's a bit too regular. You CAN have too much of a good thing!

One minute writer

I found this site, referenced in a previous post, where someone gives me ideas to write about each day so once in a while you might see something new and unusually.

Today it's a question of growing older.

Older is relative when referring to a group of people, but when referring to one self, older is what we get every day if we're lucky. As a teenager, older seems like a curse, why would I want to do that. As an adult, someone who's felt the pains of loss, older seems like a blessing. Growing older is our reward for making it through yet another day. In this day and age, when we take such good care of ourselves, watch what we eat, exercise, have the benefits of advanced medicine, older is not as old as it used to be. 40 is the new 30 and so on. Good thing, cause even though the calendar says 40, I sure don't feel it most days. I'd say, overall, 40's not so bad after all. Certainly not ancient, life is over, like I thought when I was 16 :)

More firsts

Things that have shaped my life... the monumental firsts, days of remembrance both good and bad.... in no particular order
My first wedding.... not so good. My husband forgot to pick me up on the way to the church. Not the best beginning.
My first day as a divorcee ... free, scared, excited, broke.... but so happy to be out, to be on my own, to be moving forward instead of stuck in limbo. (hopefully the LAST divorce as well)
My first day happily married (that would be my second husband!)... we got married in Key West and it was fabulous. Woke up the next day and took a walk to the beach where we gave the left overs to all the homeless people. In case there were any doubts.... I knew he was the one. I knew then and there that we would have a wonderful life together. And we did.
The first time I saw the cabin in the snow... there must have been 15 feet on the ground... it was the day I got to California as a married woman
The first time I left my husband... after our honeymoon, I had to go back home. We went our separate ways... living in different states for the first two months of our marriage while I looked for a job that would take me to California
The first day I met my college roommate... excited, scared, speechless... there was talk of marijuana, alcohol, and sex ... she hardly waited until my mother left the room. Boy did I feel like a small town hick :)
First Christmas in the new house.... there were no floors yet, just concrete, but we set up a Christmas tree and some music.... it was the only Christmas we ever celebrated in that house... by the next one, my husband was gone and I was trying to hold it together for my family
The first day without him.... lonely, empty, tearful.... in physical pain from grief
The first marathon I ever ran.... scared, melancholy, painful! You see, almost 16 months to the day prior to that, my husband lost his life on almost the exact spot of the start of that race. It was a race of remembrance, in a place I had once called home, with an old friend, and a big roller coaster ride of emotions.

Firsts

The first time I saw my husband was a company outing. We had spoken on the phone too many times to count before we finally met. That day we finally did meet, we just knew it was meant to be. Wherever he was, I knew he was there without looking. I could feel his presence within my world. We couldn't stop looking at each other. There were tons of people around but it couldn't have been more special, more personal if we had been there all alone. For the entire time we were married, we felt this way - we could be alone in the midst of millions, everyone else disappeared.

The first time I saw the Eiffel Tower, I was in awe. I'd read about it, heard about it, learned about Paris, about France, the French language, the French people for years. I first saw the Eiffel Tower in the dark on a drive up to Paris from the coast. It was amazing, all lit up, welcoming me to my home away from home.

Things to think about when I'm feeling blue... moments of happiness... little joys that meant the world... memories that I can almost touch because they were such phenomenal experiences then and still live within me even today, years later.

http://oneminutewriter.blogspot.com/2008/11/todays-writing-prompt-first-day.html

It's winter

That means snow. While this isn't the first snow of the year, it looks like it might be the first one to stay around. It was definitely the first time I went running while it was snowing this season. And it was a struggle. I got dressed then got curled up on the couch under a blanket trying to convince myself to go out and run - for an hour.

I used to like snow a lot more when I was living in California. It was something to look forward to because my husband was such a little kid when it came to winter and skiing and Christmas. Rain in the valley in the late fall meant winter in the mountains. It was so exciting to think just a couple more days until the weekend and then we can go skiing.

I remember Friday afternoons being full of packing for the trip to the cabin, stops at the grocery store and the gas station on the way up. Arriving in the dark and unloading the car. Turning on the heat and starting a fire. Taking the dog for a walk in the neighborhood in hopes the cabin would be warm by the time we came back. If we got there too late for the heat to really make a difference before bed, we'd get dressed in long johns and cuddle under ice cold blankets to fall asleep. Wake up in the middle of the night sweating and run down the stairs to turn the heat down.

Saturdays we'd be up early for a pancake breakfast before hitting the slopes. So exciting when the sun was up, the ski was clear. Deciding what to wear - trying to get just the right combination of clothes layers so you didn't have to take something off midway through the day and carry it around in the back pack. Giving people tours around the mountain on skis. Going on some crazy runs, sliding on our butts down a ravine because it turned out to be too steep and narrow to make turns. Having lunch on the deck at Sugar Bowl, enjoying a bloody mary made special my Reb. Going back to the cabin feeling exhausted and exhilirated all at the same time. Reliving the days turns, runs, falls (not many usually), guests, and weather. Having a drink by the fire while we waited for the homemade pizza to finish cooking. Or walking down to the neighbors' cabin for dinner and a movie. Or hanging out at the lodge, sharing stories of the days skiing.

Sunday getting up to do it all again and then clean up, pack, and go back down the hill. Leaving the snow behind like some magical mystery, knowing it would be there when we wanted to go back again in a few days. Hoping we'd get there right after a big snow fall and enjoy first tracks in the sun out on strawberry fields. Knowing where to go off trail to get the best snow.

Yes, it's winter. Somehow this time of year isn't as much fun as it used to be. It's kind of bittersweet. There are lots of good memories, but sometimes those memories make me sad.

Radical Steps

I admit. I'm obsessed. And I've finally decided to go to the experts for help. I need it! You see, I want flat abs. I look at my stomach every day - first thing in the morning when I get up and last thing before I go to bed. Am I skinny this morning? Is it flat? Ridiculous? Yes, a bit. But I'm 40 now and it's not getting any easier. It gets harder and harder to maintain weight, let alone lose it. I know my problem isn't my exercise routine. It's not like I sit on the couch all day. I workout 6 days a week. I know it's the way I eat. I know it's in my head, getting my head wrapped around food as fuel not friend.

Now I recognize that I'm not fat by definition. I have muscle. I am within a healthy weight range for my height - barely. But I'd like to be lower within that range. I want those flat abs :) So I took radical steps. I joined weight watchers this week. I thought what the heck. These people have helped LOTS of people lose real weight, change their lifestyle, get on track. Surely they can help me figure it out, get back on track, learn to focus on things other than food.

I signed up and chose the flex plan. This seemed like a good option. You count points, but you can eat anything you want. I've written down my food intake in the past for various nutritionists, the coach, my own piece of mind. I like to record things so this shouldn't be a problem. On Monday, my first day, I ate DOUBLE the amount of allotted points. And that was just a normal day for me, nothing too radical, nothing too out of the ordinary from what or how I normally eat. Hmmm... I might have found the problem right off. By Thursday, I had exceeded my WEEKLY extra points allowance. This takes into consideration the workouts I've done for the week. You see, these get allotted points as well.

Normally, I'd crawl into a hole about now and give up. Sit down with a bunch of chocolate and a bottle of wine. I decided to take a different approach. This is, after all, not a diet. It is a lifestyle change. I decided to carry on. To at least stick it out through these three months. Try not to gain any weight over the upcoming holidays. Try to stick to points - or at least get closer to the daily allotment and see what happens. Adjust my thinking. So that's where I am.

I'm afraid. Afraid of failing. Afraid of getting fat. Afraid of having to change my lifestyle. Afraid that if I don't I will be unhealthy. And there must be some part of me who is afraid of success as well because in the past every time I've gotten on a roll, lost 5 or 7 pounds, I've rewarded myself with food. Dug into a bag of potato chips or a batch of brownies. I have to slowly make these changes, slowly change the course I'm on. Slow is hard for me. Slow means baby steps, not seeing immediate results. But if I don't do this right, I'm afraid I'll have to continue to buy bigger jeans. And that, is NOT acceptable!

300 pushups

Seriously... 300! We did 300 pushups and 110 sit ups today in bootcamp. The instructor just about flipped out when I decided to do a cartwheel after class - then another woman did one too :) Sometimes it's fun to be goofy even at 8 in the morning!

Top 10 Reasons I'm Not a Triathlete

10. After getting up early for running and then bootcamp, getting up even earlier to get to the pool just never seems to happen
9. My goggles are too tight (are those bruises under my eyes)
8. My goggles are too loose (seriously, is there any water left IN the pool?)
7. Transition?????
6. After 45 minutes on the bike, I have bruises on my sit bones.... I don't like bruises on my ass
5. I don't like running when it's 100 degrees outside - haven't you heard that can kill ya?
4. My skin is so dry from the pool that I think I'm starting to shed
3. I like to watch tv
2. No one else will go to work to pay the bills or feed me so I have to choose work over training sometimes
And the #1 reason I'm not ready to be a triathlete today
1. I like to sleep

All of you triathletes out there amaze and astound me! You are both inspirational and crazy! When I get past my "problems" I want to be just like you!

A run in the woods

There's something about almost 60 degrees and sunny in November that brings out the couch potatoes and their un-socialized dogs. You know the ones, the dogs who haven't been on a walk since Bush took office? Yea, those dogs. I will grant you, it was a beautiful day for a run. I decided to take advantage of it by going for a run in the woods. After a nice little warm up to the park, I arrived under attack - attack of the Jack Russell terriers and Irish Setters (and the surprisingly friendly greetings of the German Shepards). There I was jogging along, minding my own business when suddenly there were dogs running at me full throttle. Okay, I'm a dog person, I can handle this. The Jack Russells scratched up my legs as they jumped on me, attempting to bite my heels. The Irish Setter appeared to be a much bigger threat as I was afraid it would knock me over when it hit cause it was going so fast. Luckily there was no impact, but it was also under no apparent control. The owners gave a fleeting apology, "Sorry. We didn't see you." And I waved it off. "That's okay." As I tried to regain my stride after they had finally gotten the dogs under a bit of control.

The thing is, it's not okay. So why did I say that? Why did I let them off the hook? Because, you see, I hate conflict. I avoid it like some people avoid the dentist. Unless I know you very well and am very comfortable with you (i.e., I've seen you naked) or you're a complete stranger who I know I will never see again and am confident that you can't physically hurt me, well, I'm just going to let it all pass. This isn't always the best solution, but it's the one I've used for years. I know in some cases I need to be more assertive, but was this one of them? Was it more appropriate to stop and give these strangers a piece of my mind or at least a suggestion on how to actually maintain a bit of control over their dogs... or perhaps socialize them more... or, I don't know, actually pay attention????

Like I said I'm a dog person and I have a very friendly dog, one who LOVES people so it's not beyond the realm that he'd go say hi to someone, but he wouldn't if I told him not to. And later in the woods I ran into a couple of nice, well behaved German Shepards, under control but curious...no problem. But all these dogs made me jump like a wild boar was after me the first few times I heard a squirrel scurry through the woods. Guess I'm not a country girl anymore.

The challenge is on

One of my facebook friends led me to this... www.hundredpushups.com I think everyone should try it out. It's a six week program to get you up to 100 consecutive pushups.

I'm hoping that will help with the new endeavor I tried this week. On my schedule the coach said, do something new for cross training. I thought about it... bike? not new. swim? not new. elliptical? not new. Stair master? not new and I'd rather pull out my teeth. Ah, got it... rock climbing. I thought I'd go kick some rock climbing butt cause they have this easy looking wall at the gym - and it's free to members. Woo hoo! I thought that would be a great way to spend an hour. Turns out it was a great way to spend a half hour! I made it to the top on the first level. The second level put me to shame. I have scraped knuckles and elbows along with bruises on my knee to prove I was there, but I failed to make it to the top on the second level. I know it can be done because I watched boys and girls of about 10-12 years old doing it... I'm going to conquer that wall! (after that there are still two more levels of difficulty to tackle)

What a good day!

Slept in - 10 hours! It was a REALLY stressful week. Did a nice snappy run this morning.... almost afternoon really ... in preparation for a 10k tomorrow afternoon. The sun was out, the wind was blowing and it was almost 70 degrees. Then after a shower and lunch, I went someplace I've passed a million times over the years, but never stopped. I finally made it to the Cider Mill. This place is amazing! All these years, I've been driving by and here I thought they just sold apples (to be fair, they really did just sell apples and cider the first few years I was driving by on my way to college - at least I think so!) This is a destination! People drive up on Harleys, in Mercedes and Buicks, in big giant camper trailers - and everything else you can imagine. People camp over night here. They stay and sample wine (I couldn't even bring myself to go into the building where the wine tasting was - but rest assured there was a long line waiting to get in). They have lunch or donuts, buy cheese and jams and candies, ride wagons pulled by horses or in a crop-duster airplane or on a "train" pulled by a tractor.... And of course there are tours of the cider mill and plenty of cider and apples to go around. It was packed! And amusing. And one of those places that Dennis would have insisted we stop at more often. It made me smile. (didn't see any Triumphs in the lot, but there were lots of Harleys and Hondas)

Then to top off a really good day, the Spartans won ... and the Wolverines lost (to a MAC team no less). All in all, a pretty good day. Now I'm watching the results of the ironman, glad I'm not running in 108 degree heat, cheering on some of my internet friends from afar. Go Rachel. Go Chris. Go USA!! You are awesome! Inspirational! Amazing!

Thoughts on the run.

I wish I could tell you about all the cool existential things I think about while I'm running. I wish I could say I have all these deep, smart thoughts while I put one foot in front of the other during a workout. The sad fact is running is my time to de-stress, to empty my mind, to let things go. Today was no different. My most profound thought today on my very HARD run (besides I think my legs are going to explode) was damn it, I forgot the body glide.

This is your warning to stop reading...

There is nothing worse than getting a mile or so away from the house and realizing you forgot the body glide. Nothing like the feeling of your thighs rubbing together to remind you to go faster. Does more friction mean thinner thighs in the long run? Or just more painful chafing... I can tell you the unfortunate answer.... it's the chafing. It's all about the chafing.

Friends and other thoughts

Sometimes when I'm feeling sad or alone, I start to think I have no friends... whoa is me, I'm so lonely, life is depressing, blah, blah, blah... and then something happens. I check a blog and feel connected. I get an email from a long lost friend, a phone call with plans to go do something... and I realize, I'm not alone. I do have friends, some pretty good ones. They are a VERY diverse group and offer so many things in so many different ways. A wonderful group of people who would NOT all get along under one roof, but like other people I've known, I seem to collect them. And I love them all in their own special, unique ways and for their own special, unique qualities. My biggest problem is I've lived and traveled in too many places so the friends are in many cases far away. I need to fix that. I need to get out of the house and meet some new friends.

In that vein, I've begun taking a few classes just for fun. I enrolled in a Russian language class that is quite entertaining and very difficult. It's quite a mix of people in that class, most of them younger, but a few professionals in their 40's and 50's as well. The class on India I signed up for is another story. This class is mostly retired folks getting ready to travel to India or just trying to quench a never ending thirst for knowledge. Another entertaining class in a very different many.

Now one of other reasons I signed up for these classes was because I was bored. I wanted to use my brain, think a little. Work has been very boring and unchallenging for about a year and I'm just tired so I thought, I'm not travelling, I'm not busy, let's sign up and do something different.

Then Murphy stepped on my plans. The boss called up and said, hey, how would you like to work on this project (not truly an option to say no even if I'd been so inclined). Of course, I said, sure, what do you need me to do? That was on Wednesday. I haven't had a moment's peace since. It's been go, go, go... a million new things in my mind for work because there is a ton of information to internalize and analyze... and then come up with a solution for in very short order - and of course new people who need to know that I am capable. New people to impress, great!

And just for kicks, I'll share this... Thursday, a million things to do, my mind going a million miles an hour trying to keep up, trying to find a place to land for just a few minutes to actually accomplish something. In the midst of this, several meetings, a doctor's appointment that lasted FOREVER, more meetings, .... rest (ah) for about 10 minutes until the dog came in all happy and wanting to see me. "Hi, mom. Whatcha doin? Aren't I cute? Want to pet me?" Me: "What is that smell? Why is your (supposed to be white fur) collar all black? EWWWW. What did you roll in?" 20 minutes before I have to leave for class, my dog decided it was time for a bath!

So I chased him around the yard with a pitcher, shampoo and a hose. Catching him occasionally for long enough to wet - away he goes - shampoo - away he goes - rinse - away he goes... keep in mind he likes to shake off on me before running too far away. Rinse and repeat, then dry, dry, dry. I'm sure I was a sight by the time I got to class. Good thing it was dark.

Race report

Or... running in the rain.... the day started with a 45 minute drive in the rain that turned into an hour drive (and then some).... Luckily I always give myself plenty of time to get new places - especially when I'm going to be racing. Granted this was only a 10k and I was really looking forward to it.. just something fun, no stress, no worries, but still I like to be prepared. (turns out I wasn't quite the girl scout I thought - more on that in a bit)

After several wrong turns and back tracking, I finally found my destination and was a little surprised to note that I was driving in mud by the time I got there. This is not a large race and I've learned that around here small races mean fast paces. Doesn't matter the conditions, the people that typically come to these races are fast. Faster than they were when I first started running races. Middle of the pack is faster than I am and I'm faster than I used to be so once again let's try not to finish last. There was a little added pacing confusion because this was a looped course. We started 5k and 10k runners together and once the 5k finished, there were like five people left on the course to go around for that second loop of the 10k.

So I did most of my warm up like a good girl and by the time I finished that I was completely soaked. Well, not completely, my shoes weren't soggy yet, but I took care of that in quick order at the beginning of the race by splashing in mud puddles that couldn't be avoided. Now these weren't just puddles, but truly mud puddles because this part of the course was dirt transformed to so much mud that my car traction control came on when I drove through it :) Lovely! But it was fun because I do like running in the rain and there were women there who obviously didn't.

The loops were a mix of dirt and pavement, lots of up and down hills most of which were very long with some short steeps at the top. Not exactly what I'd signed up for but I was in the moment and having fun. I determined after making it around the entire course once that this was NOT going to be a PR day - not going to happen, but it could certainly be a PR on a hilly course in the rain - and it was.

After the race, still raining .... harder now.... Got back to the car and realized I'd lost my girl scout badge for being prepared. No towel. I'd brought clothes to change in but no towel. Hmmm... what to do. Well, I did the only thing I could. I climbed in the back with the dog blanket and stripped and towelled off with that. Now you might imagine a dog blanket would be furry. You'd be right. So when I finished I was no longer wet, just mildy damp and very furry :) Then not wanting to face the rain again in mostly dry clothes, I climbed into the front seat. It pays to be small sometimes because I know the big guy who beat me for instance couldn't have climbed the seats of my VW :)

Now what's for lunch?